Monster

Today I am unravelling selfishness. I am selfish.  I am unapologetic. I rather see my Mom in pain, every day, than set her free. I won’t do it. I know the ramifications if I tell her “It’s ok Mom. I am fine. You can go.” I will stay selfish and allow the guilt to suffocate me, until I am no more. My decision is made with eyes open and a clear mind. It is my choice. Am I a monster? Yes.

I dislike who I am with respect to my Mom. Today I went to see her. I fed her breakfast. She ate oatmeal, eggs, and a muffin. With each spoonful of food that I gently placed in her mouth she seemed happy. She ate 80% of what was on her plate, and drank all of her tea and her protein supplement. I am so proud of her. 20 minutes earlier when I arrived at her door, the attendants were helping her get ready for the day.  I stood outside of her room and listened. No, I was not intending to eavesdrop. I wanted to allow for privacy and her inherent dignity. Mom was crying because of her pain. She is in constant pain. I hear the attendants speak to Mom, with empathy and respect. She is surprised to see me standing her doorway. She looks at me as she tilts her head slightly. “I almost didn’t recognize you.”

One day soon it will happen. One day soon she will forget how to eat. One day soon she will forget me. One day soon she will forget who she is and who she was. I know this. I am crying as I write this. None of this is right. She worked and struggled all of her life. Now at 79 she suffers. The medication helps. The doctors, nurses, personal support workers, all help.  Her friends help. Visits with Emma and Eric help. Prayers do help. Everyone helps.

Then there is me. For 43, almost 44 years Mom represents my life line. Without her…

There is NO without her.

I will never set her free.

I will never tell her that I am fine.

I will never say “It’s ok Mom, you can go.”

I cannot live without her.

I am a monster.