Courage and Truth
I made the decision to live my life in courage and truth. Wow, that statement sounds so pretentious. It
feels like a buzz phrase, that some guru peddling the cure to end all misery,
would belt out. When it comes down to it
courage, and truth are just words. The
power that they wield is brought forth by how I choose to use them in my
life. The first thing I learned, was to
live in courage and truth, meant I needed to be vulnerable. I can tell you first hand, I hate being
vulnerable. I have spent my life seeing vulnerability
as a sign of weakness. I was wrong. Again.
I spent so much of 2017 fighting my pain and grief. I
decided that if I ignored the nasty duo, I would be able to avoid having to
feel. I have always surrounded myself
with walls, but the barriers that I built around my emotions were epic. I was not letting anything in. If I remained
still, in my dark place where I felt nothing, I would be safe. Pain and grief, would knock gently, but I ignored
them. There was no way I wanted to deal with the reality that my mom was gone.
I knew without a doubt that if I allowed myself to feel anything, I would fall
into an abyss. I had no time for that.
But a funny thing happened while I was living in the land of
avoidance. Pain and grief became fed up with my walls. They stopped knocking and decided to use a
different tactic. They took a sledge hammer to my wall. There was no where for me to hide. I am still trying to figure out all the
emotions that have set up shop. Some I
dealt with and bid adieu, while others have remained. I can tell you this, I invited
pain and grief a seat at my table. You
would think that I am writing about pain and grief, when my title clearly
states, courage and truth. Well the four
of them, have taken up permanent residence.
With pain and grief bashing in my walls, I felt vulnerable
to everything. But I also realized that I was free. I was free to cry, to grieve, to love, and to
be honest with myself and the people that mean the most to me. I started
speaking with my Mom. I stopped being afraid to acknowledge that she passed
away. She is still with me, just
differently. I also contacted people who
have remained steadfast during my life and especially during my darkest
hours. I told them that I loved them. I contacted
people who I had hurt and who had hurt me. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I asked for forgiveness and I forgave.
Living my life in courage and truth, is not easy. But I can tell you this, the heaviness that I
have lived with for so long is much lighter. Yes, I have become sappy. But I don’t care. I love people and I will
let them know. I am my Mother’s daughter.
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